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Ted Kennedy
Ted Kennedy
Born into bootlegging money, Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy first made a name for himself when he was expelled from Harvard for hiring someone to take a test for him.

At the beginning of his brother's first Presidential term, Ted Kennedy was sent on a South American fact finding trip. Kennedy spent his time on the trip seeking a brothel to rent, as well as meeting with a Communist Spy.

Since his full name wasn't Edward Moore, his 1962 Senate candidacy wasn't deemed a joke, resulting in a decades long sentence for Massachusetts constituents.

In 1969, Kennedy captained the maiden voyage of the USS Delmont. After a successful side launch of Dike Bridge in Chappaquiddick, Kennedy decided to abandon ship, leaving Mary Jo Kopechne in the car. Since it was getting late, Kennedy left the scene without alerting the authorities and went back to his hotel for the night, while Kopechne eventually died in the submerged automobile.

In the 1980s, Kennedy and Senator Dodd allegedly co-created the Waitress Sandwich.

In the spring of 1991, Kennedy took his son and nephew out drinking. Shortly thereafter, his nephew was accused of raping a young lady.

Kennedy later went onto an unsuccessful career of shouting slurred renditions of traditional Spanish songs to poor, unsuspecting crowds.
Ted Kennedy on Wikipedia
Ted Kennedy Quotes
While trying to reach out to Latino voters, Senator Kennedy probably took advantage of an open bar and decided to start serenading people with a broken rendition of Ay Jalisco No Te Rajes. Decades earlier, Kennedy was expelled from Harvard because he hired someone to take a Spanish test for him.
“Jalisco, Jalisco, tú tienes tu novia que Guadalajara. Muchacha bonita, la perla más rara, and todo alisco es me Guadalajara. ¡Ay! ¡Ay, Jalisco no te rajes! Me sala amor, cantor cantalor abrir todo pecho echar este grito ¡Qué lindo es Jalisco, palabra honor!”
Ted Kennedy, February 21, 2008 Audio and/or video clip available

In trying to reach out to Latino voters while campaigning for Presidential candidate Senator Obama, Ted Kennedy decided to try to connect, using broken Spanish. Decades earlier, Kennedy was expelled from Harvard for hiring someone to take a Spanish test for him.
“Muchamas grassas a todos!”
Ted Kennedy, February 2008 Audio and/or video clip available

Citing the same intelligence reports he cited a few years earlier, Senator Kennedy successfully reversed his opinion on Iraq.
“In response to the 9-11, the uh Vice President recommended we go to war with the Taliban, no to go to war in Iraq. Um, there's no question now that, about the misuse of intelligence. There's no question now, looking at the 9-11 commission, that the association with Al Qaeda and 911 was completely fabricated. Uh, there's no question now that eh the Vice President's representation of weapons of mass destruction were wrong.”
Ted Kennedy, March 26, 2006 Audio and/or video clip available

There must have been an open bar prior to Senator Kennedy taking the stage and discussing Senator Obama.
“Why don't we just ask Osama Bin Laden uh Osama Obama uh Obama what the uh since uh he won by such a big amount.”
Ted Kennedy, January 11, 2005 Audio and/or video clip available

Speaking at the 2004 Democrat National Convention in Boston, Ted Kennedy educated the audience on a little known aspect of the American Revolution.
“Today, more than two centuries after the embattled farmers stood and fired the shirt round the world, the ideals of our founders still resonate across the globe.”
Ted Kennedy, July 27, 2004

Senator Kennedy knew Saddam Hussein was developing weapons of mass destruction, before he wasn't
“We have known for many years that Saddam Hussein is seeking and developing weapons of mass destruction.”
Ted Kennedy, September 27, 2002

At the Martin Luther King Memorial Breakfast at the Hynes Convention Center, Senator Ted Kennedy of all people talked about driving under the influence.
“DWI is a serious offense. But DWB, Driving While Black, is not and never should be.”
Ted Kennedy, January 18, 1999

“It is a special pleasure for me to introduce our two home run team for working families in America, Mike McGwire and Sammy Sooser of the White House, it's a pleasure to introduce them, first of all our friend Al Gore. Let's give them a Boston welcome.”
Ted Kennedy, September 17, 1998 Audio and/or video clip available

“I want to ask you, do you not believe that workers ought to be able to make the judgement about who is going to represent them, represent their families, and we're gonna gonna un nuh.”
Ted Kennedy, 1996 Audio and/or video clip available

“The Senate has an opportunity to say, 'three strikes you're out, you're out Republicans, you're wrong on the minimum wage, you're wrong on company dominated unions, and you're wrong on the right to earn less.' And if we say that those are three strikes and you're out, we're gonna make sure that they're gonna be out in November, and will you stand with us and uh nuh nuh.”
Ted Kennedy, 1996 Audio and/or video clip available

“Is this Clinton country? Er de era. And after we all do what needs to be done for the next two and a half weeks and we elect Mark Roosevelt as our governor and you reela, and you re-elect old Kennedy in the United States Senate, we're gonna start on the 96 campaign to elect Bill Clinton as our relective on the next era uh.”
Ted Kennedy, October 21, 1994 Audio and/or video clip available

An opponent of back-alley abortions (favoring the submerged automobile technique), Senator Kennedy decided to take a shot and trash Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork.
“Robert Bork's America is a land in which women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could break down citizens' doors in midnight raids, and schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution, writers and artists would be censored at the whim of government”
Ted Kennedy, June 23, 1987 Audio and/or video clip available

Senator Kennedy decided to third wheel a date with Senator Chris Todd and movie star Carrie Fisher.
“So, do you think you'll be having sex with Chris at the end of your date?”
Ted Kennedy, 1985

Senator Kennedy decided to third wheel a date with Senator Chris Todd and movie star Carrie Fisher.
“Would you have sex with Chris in a hot tub?”
Ted Kennedy, 1985

In an interview that would later be cited as a reason he lost the primary, Senator Kennedy struggled to say why he wanted to be President.
“Well, I'm, um, were I to to make the uh the announcement and uh to run, the reasons I that would run is because I have a great belief in this country that it is, there's more natural resources than any nation in the world.”
Ted Kennedy, November 4, 1979 Audio and/or video clip available

“Uh I would uh basically uh feel that uh that it's imperative for this country to either move forward, that it can't stand still, or otherwise it moves backward.”
Ted Kennedy, November 4, 1979 Audio and/or video clip available

“I made immediate and repeated efforts to save Mary Jo by diving into the strong and murky current”
Ted Kennedy, July 1969 Audio and/or video clip available

“I suddenly jumped into the water and impulsively swam across, nearly drowning once again in the effort, and returned to my hotel about 2 AM.”
Ted Kennedy, July 1969 Audio and/or video clip available

After getting sued for damaging a photographer Philip Lawson's camera and film in an outburst in Stowe, Vermont, on February 23, 1963, Senator Ted Kennedy wrote a vague letter of apology.
“My wife and I are truly sorry about last month's misunderstanding and hope this letter will serve as a sincere apology, and for any difficulty it may have caused.”
Ted Kennedy, March 1963

“Our national interest ought to be to encourage the breast, best, and the brightest to complete their education, to be involved in the life and the community of uh this uh of this country.”
Ted Kennedy, Unknown Date Audio and/or video clip available

Ted Kennedy proclaimed, in between the uhs, that he had every intention of living his future as he had his past. Blondes everywhere shivered.
“I uh think that the it's a matter of conscience. I'm very familiar with uh the uh uh the teachings of uh the church uh on uh the matters of of grave sin. And I have every intention of continuing to uh to uh uh live my uh my faith in the future as I have uh in the past.”
Ted Kennedy, Unknown Date

Perhaps it was the Chivas talking, but Ted Kennedy struggled to talk about a long winter of discontent.
“America entered a long winter of disconnect. Disca. Uh. Disconempt.”
Ted Kennedy, Unknown Date

According to Ed Klein in an interview on NPR, Ted Kennedy enjoyed jokes about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.
“Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?”
Ted Kennedy, Unknown Date

According to Henry Kissinger as recounted in The Nixon Tapes, Ted Kennedy threw himself on Cristina Ford at the Carlyle Hotel, telling her that no one would report on what he was doing to her.
“No newspapers are going to print anything about me. I’ve got that covered.”
Ted Kennedy, Unknown Date

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